28 October 2005

A change

I’m tired. It will be hard to write what I’m thinking since I’m so tired. I thought after hearing the news, I would be up all night. I don’t think that will be the case. I hope to sleep well tonight. But that’s always dependent on how well my girls sleep.

I’m excited for Joel. Not just that he got offered any job but offered a job that started out as a half-ass job reply. Okay, not that he half assed the application but that he didn’t think, like most of the jobs he’s applied for, that it would go anywhere. I’m excited it’s a job he thinks he’ll really enjoy. The last time I have seen Joel enjoy a job is when we met in Berkeley. That was over four years ago. I hope he really enjoys this job. I hope it’s fulfilling for him. I hope he’s glad he took the job. Even if he decides he doesn’t like it, I have hope that there’s a reason he was offered it and a reason he took it. Just like graduate school. It seems almost like a waste of time but if he hadn’t accepted I wouldn’t be writing on this post right now. We wouldn’t have two daughters asleep in their rooms right now. We wouldn’t have this house to worry about selling. I should call Summer tomorrow.
I’m scared. Not at the idea of moving but all that will come along with change. I’m scared how it will affect our girls. Mostly Abigail. Collette won’t have the fondest memory of this house and after time I bet Abigail won’t either. But she’ll surely be aware of the move, the change, a different routine, a new house, new friends, and of course her beloved Cody won’t be around anymore. That will make her sad. I’m starting to cry. I hope it’s because I’m tired. It’s hard with Abigail. I feel like I’ve just started to get my niche here in Tucson with the many things I can enjoy with her. She loves to get out and do things–just like her Mom. She loves her swim lessons. We’ll have to move before they’re done. She’s doing so well at swim lessons. She looks forward to it during the week. And she tries so hard when we’re there. Every Thursday at 10:30 is library time. They read 3 different books with songs in between. After the third book is Abigail’s favorite part–the bean bags. She runs up to pick the right one out and usually stands by Kallia to sing the bean bag song with gestures, of course. We’ve started going the mall on the first and third Tuesday of each month. They have a kids club and she seems to enjoy. This Tuesday after Halloween it’s a puppet show. She will enjoy that. She loves nursery. I really enjoy our ward. I hope she makes new friends quickly. I hope there are a lot of children in the new nursery she will be attending. I know I will find similar things in the Bay Area and there will probably be more opportunities there. But this is her comfort, or it’s mine anyway. And of course she will miss her friends. I don’t believe I’m projecting my feelings onto her. I know she understands the concept. Today she spontaneously told me that she missed Daddy. And he’s only been gone one day. And when we’re out for a long time during the day and we pull into the driveway she will yell, “yeah, we’re home!” I don’t know how to explain to her at the moment it’s needed that we will never be coming back “home.”I will cry then, too.

I don’t want to have to pack up our house. Yuck. I hate packing like that. Especially because we won’t really get to unpack like normal. Most of our stuff will go to storage. Double yuck. It’s like living out of a suitcase for 8 months.

I don’t want to have to learn my way around the south bay. Isn’t that a stupid reason to not want to move? I know. But I can just see myself getting so lost down there. The Headley’s always keep their house so cold. I feel bad enough when we visit that I’m always turning the heat on or up. They say the don’t mind and I’m sure they don’t but it’s not my house and so I feel awkward making them uncomfortable in it. I don’t like the bathroom upstairs. Okay, I don’t like the shower. I don’t want Collette to have learn how to sit up or crawl on a hard wood floor. I’m sure lots of babies do it. I like carpet. I don’t want to have to run up stairs every time she needs her pacifier put back in during her naps.

I don’t want to feel like I’m in transistion for the next 8 months. But I’m pretty sure that’s how it will be. I wouldn’t mind renting a house. I think I like that idea. But we may not have enough money to rent a house out. And I don’t want to rent a tiny house. I want some space. Who knows.

I’m excited for cold mornings…and evenings. I’m excited that we get to live around family and friends and the people we adore and love get to watch our kids grow up for a bit. I’m excited that there’s a heater I can turn on all I want upstairs. I’m excited for the holidays to be around family and a real holiday spirit. I don’t feel that holiday “spirit” here in Tucson. I’m not sure why. I’m super excited that we will get to buy a van! But I guess first we’ll have to sell our house. Or not, we could buy it on a loan and then pay the loan off as soon as we sell our house. I’m excited our other car will be paid off. That will be nice. I’m excited to live down the street from a Trader Joe’s. I’m excited Joel has a job. But I’m still tired. So, I think for now that’s all that will come out of me tonight. Who knows, after Joel announces his offer I may post this. Probably not. Most of all, I’m excited to see Joel in the morning and spend some time with him before he leaves the next day.